Post Control

Powerless Structures, Fig. 11 (1997)

Surrendering control is a precarious act. If handled incorrectly we perceive it as a sign of weakness in ourselves and others. In fact, this is the greatest place of power.

Inhabiting a mindset that we have no control over our lives is simply accepting that there is a greater plan for our lives. We are empty to all possibilities instead of approaching opportunities filled with answers.

Our intelligence keeps us in control of situations but separates us from optimal possibilities. Curbing the urge to battle and adopting an attitude of acceptance is the difference between a graceful dive and a fatal fall.

Blurs and Razors

Moving really fast through life blurs the scenery and is a clever solution to avoid pain. Some people even carry a sharp razor to slice off anything that threatens to hang on to their bumper. This is an effective road to some kinds of success. Until you either reach the end of it or the motion itself makes you ill; or both.

Then what?

We’re standing at the end of the road, with “success” in our hand but able to clearly see all the pain we’ve so effectively avoided and anything we’ve cut off along the way will soon catch up.

Where do we step next?

Standing still is an option. Listening to what we’ve avoided can help move us to the next stage, rather than creating some new blur of distraction. If we continue to treat life as some destination to success we’ll end up at the end of more roads. Allowing ourselves to see and feel what’s around us opens us to experiences connected to who we are and a less empty existence. Then we are life; a journey that is continuous.

Agenda Free

Jamie Boynton - That's How I Roll

Now is the time of year we begin to act aggressively on all the strategies and resolutions we’ve promised for this year. Our heads filled with expectations and visions of what this year should look like and how we want it to turn out. We reach out to people, set meetings, make schedules, set agendas and carve a path that looks in our mind exactly like what we want it to look like because this is the way we believe we will make our goals.

This is how I used to exist.

This year I’m trying something different. I’m trying the strategy of “I don’t know and I’m okay with it.” I’m beginning conversations without a preconceived notion of what I want to get out of it or where I think it should end. I’m starting relationships with an empty mind and heart, unfilled with all of my baggage from past experiences. I’m looking at opportunities as just that, opportunities, not potential to make money or get something specific in return.

If I approach the world without an agenda, living in the moment, I don’t know what will happen. Not needing to know what will happen is a freeing and a more happy existence than constantly needing to know and worrying; or even trying to control which is futile and exhausting. So I’m just going to live agenda free and see where it takes me. I wonder if they teach this in B school?

Resolution Rose

Today is when we want to make change. Lay out the path for next year. Write a list of “I will nots.” Go after new ambitions. What if we didn’t?

What if we stayed the course? What if today we made a list of everything that is right with our lives. What brings a smile daily, what is positive, who can we trust, who do we love? If we focus on what is now and consciously acknowledge these blessing today, we are organically inspired to make change to continue this feeling. If we wake up in a happier state in general, we can take life’s challenges on with a smile.

“There’s something to be said for waking up everyday and the sun is shining [in your head].”

There are events mourned and cherished about ever passing year. There’s no harm in looking ahead to the next through rose-colored glasses.

Center Stage

I’m in the stage of life where it’s less important to me that I’m the center of attention and more important that I’m balanced at my core. In nature, the strongest point is at the core of most objects. As creatures of nature, our strongest point is at our core.

Why must we wait until well into adulthood to get the message that what people think makes no difference what-so-ever? One huge contributor; media and entertainment. Now this takes nothing away from parenting and other contributing factors that influence our nations youth, but let’s be honest, if you live in American, there’s almost no escaping “the media.”

Our media pumps us full of “we should care what everyone thinks!” This weekend there was an 80′s marathon on cable and I watched “The Breakfast Club” for about the 30th time. It’s one of my favorite movies from my adolescence. I have fond memories of watching when I was young, but watching again as an adult, I realized how much it promoted the isolation and differences in us all. This was an iconic movie of that time. I mean, that crew basically set the fashion trend of the decade.

The reality TV shows of today not only promote that we should care what others think, but also that we should want to get “famous” doing it. It concerns me that our youth of today are constantly bombarded with this message.

I then began to think about how my kids love the show “Glee.” Here’s a glimmer of hope. This is an opportunity for our generation of children to grow up with a different set of rules for tolerance than we did. It’s refreshing and inspiring. It makes me believe that my children will find their core and grow much sooner than I did.

Starting any action from an extraneous perspective is more likely to fail, than any action originated from your core. The sooner you know this, the sooner you will succeed in life.

Self Help Distruct

by Jody Barton

I’m pretty stubborn when it comes to letting others help me. I like to do things myself, be in control. I’m that friend that doles out advice and lends a hand. Admittedly, I like it this way.

Self help is big business. Self sufficiency is an important American goal. Grow up, move out, own a home, raise a family, be all you can be. From an early age it’s ingrained in us. So I find it difficult to ask others for help.

The irony in self-sufficiency is the set up for self-destruction because of the utter isolation from others.

Conversely, the process in building this self-sufficiency usually brings with it a network of people willing and able to help if you are brave enough to ask. The strange thing is we are so busy being self-sufficient and helping ourselves that we don’t even notice and the network doesn’t know because we are to busy putting on a show.

Asking for help is an opportunity to grow relationships around us. It’s a time for brave moves, a time to let go of guilt for needing help in the first place, a time for vulnerable acts. All of this is harder than self-sufficiency. All of this will bring you closer to those that you can be closer to in your life.

What would happen if we just leaped out and accepted the help that is all around us and let go of the need to only help ourselves? It might feel a little like floating, we might fall, or we might be caught by surprise. I’m willing to take the leap and find out.

Time Master Value

Time is a commodity. I consider it a luxury item when you get to do with it what you want and not what you have to do. If I could bottle it and sell it, I’d be a billionaire.

My older son is in seventh grade and I recently sat in on a seminar to help him be more organized. During the session the facilitator informed us that our children either had good time management skills or they didn’t. He called it “sequencing,” or the ability to count backwards from a deadline and plan activities to meet the deadline. This valuable skill was given (or not given) to our children by us; the parents.

Being on time is genetic?

Not to worry, he assures us. If we are big bags of constant lateness and disorganization then it is just important that we identified this behavior in our children so we can address it, and teach them these skills. I’m thinking to myself, isn’t that the blind leading the blind? How the heck are the parents supposed to suddenly master time management and help teach this to their kids?

I took this class several months ago, but I’ve recently been contemplating time as a luxury. The more efficient we are at completing the things in life we have to do the more luxury time we have. “Time masters” are more valuable commodities.

The bright light I took away from the middle school organization class is that “identifying” disorganization and time management as an issue makes it easier to discuss and improve. This skill deficit is often masked by perceived symptoms;  procrastination, laziness, irresponsibility.

I don’t believe people are genetically any of these things. We just need to improve our skills set with the activities that work best with our personality.

Becoming a “time master” increases our brand value. We have more luxury time for ourselves and higher brand perception with others. Taking the time to organize pays.

Do Better

Have you ever had a time in your life when you thought you were doing everything you possibly could to the best of your ability and someone close to you said, “do a better job? This happened to me and I immediately got defensive.

Then I got introspective. How? What does this mean from their perspective?

We can’t often see clearly from our perspective how we can be better, only that we are doing our best. It takes someone who loves us and is courageous enough with their honesty to say “be better.”

I examined my actions from their perspective and took a few steps down to check the problem from a different vantage point. Once I did I was actually able to rise higher and not only do better, but feel better about myself and the relationship.

We can’t be our best alone, we have to have others around us who are not afraid to be honest with us, even if their not going to get the best reaction.

I’m thankful for this blessing.

Pain Mentee

I’m learning pain is a valuable teacher. It’s a physical response, alerting me to danger or informing me that something is out of balance. I’ve spent a lot of time with it lately so we’re becoming quite close.

I’ve always known that I’m a practical learner. Applied statistics was my favorite math subject. I never liked proving theories. Just the facts Jack. Give me the formula to solve the problem.

This is why pain works as a lesson for me. It’s direct and straight forward. If something hurts in response to me taking an action, then I should stop that action. It’s logical and linear.

Of course everything is more complicated in practice.

First, I must accept pain as my teacher.

I followed the standard instructions of “managing” my pain to make it go away. Treating pain as a problem has only layered more pain on top of pain.

Lesson learned, pain is not a problem. I respect pain now. I’m even comforted by it.

What will happen when I treat pain like a mentor?

Today I’m deciding to live with the pain and see what it has to teach me. Teachers have had great influence on my life in the past. I learn more when I settle in, read the syllabus, attend class, and do the work.

I’m taking it pass/fail. There’s really no in between.

Focus

Distraction is a comforting companion. I used it often to procrastinate on the important or clutter my activities. I find focus an illusive friend. Actually, focus does not play so hard to get, focus paired with prioritization are a rare coupling.

In all my years of consulting prioritization and focus is one of the most important problems to tackle first in business. This applies in life too.

If you sit down and think about all the things you want to work on in your life, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. But if you get pragmatic and make a list, you can pick one thing to focus on; the most important thing.

My guess, if you give laser focus to that one thing in your life and fix it, just that one thing, many other things will change on their own.

Laser focus. No distractions.

Another important point about focus, in business and life, is sticking with what you know. We’re all more confident when we know what we’re talking about and we are more comfortable in our own skin when we are confident about what we can deliver. Stay close to your base and build your skill set.

I’m laser focused on staying centered and enjoying diving deeper into my skills. Distraction will be lonely for a while.