Stinky Thankin’

Today I’m thankful for all the things in life one is thankful for. Well adjusted, beautiful kids; devoted, smart, hilarious, husband; supportive, loving family and friends. I’m blessed in the life department beyond my wildest dreams.

I’m also thankful for the reminders of what it takes to support these blessings in my life. The look on my son’s face when I fail to follow through on a promise. Silence from my husband when he’s not happy with me. Disappoint from a friend when I stop speaking to them because I’ve taking something too personally. These blessing require a delicate balance.

My mother-in-law calls this “stinking thinking.” Focusing on flaws can actually manifest destruction.

There is a whole school of thought on putting positive vibrations out into the world and attracting this energy to you. Think positively and you will receive positivity.

I believe this, but at what point does this thinking lose sincerity and truth? At what point am I not being honest with myself about what I need to work on?

I believe I need positive vibrations and honest perspective about change. So the way I reconcile these two ideas is with “stinky thankin’.” I am thankful for the good stuff in my life that makes me work on the stinky stuff in me.

How do you like that vibe?

Power Full

“It’s not what happens to you but what you do in response.” If you know me, you’ve heard me say this more than once. I believe this to my core. So when I woke with the chant this morning, “surrender, surrender, surrender,” it unsettled me. I’m thinking to myself. What do mean, “surrender,” I have to “do” something. I always “do” something. I don’t let go when faced with challenge in my life, I get up and conquer it, I don’t “surrender.” What the hell are you talking about.

I’ve always been powerful, or at least put on my armor of power to conquer the world for myself and for others. I am a protector and nurturer. Constantly working to hold on to the armor and not allow anyone to penetrate my power, even to the point of being full of shit, so that no one knows how scared, tired, or hurt I really am at any given time. Keeping up this appearance has always been expected, but I’m almost positive this is an expectations I’ve placed on myself and nothing external.

On the other hand, this full of power thing is pretty exhausting, especially because at times I am so full of shit and I know it, others know it too. They call me on it.

Just the other day, my friend told me how stubborn I am while I argued a point. My response, “I’m as stubborn as I am smart.” Leave it to me to turn it into a positive. What I meant is, I am a quick study. I am stubborn, I’ll argue with you, but while I’m arguing with you, I am mulling over your point, then right in the middle of my defense, I will stop and agree that I’m wrong.

So this “surrender” idea is rattling around in my head as I write.

You only know what you know; you know. So when you don’t know, you gotta “surrender.”

That’s what the chant is about. Surrender to what I don’t know. Let others in and help. Listen and stop being so full of shit.

This surrender thing is not so bad…I’ll struggle with my stubbornness and be positive on my long road ahead.

Rushed Juxtaposition

Someone recently asked me what the title of my life would be to date, if it were a movie. All I could think of was “Rushed Juxtaposition.” The shades of gray shining brighter than any of the stark blacks or whites. Everything is “and” with me, nothing is either or. Marrying the summer before my senior year at the Stern School at NYU, leaving my finance final early due to Braxton Hicks contractions, ending up with an econ minor to manage co-parenting my baby boy with my law student husband, and walking across the stage at graduation with my 5 month old and my summa cum laude diploma; this was my last year of college.

I pumped breast milk between interview rounds at the big 5 consulting houses while my counter parts crammed for their case questions. I delayed my start date to stay home with my son until he was one. I went on maternity leave with my second son and put in for a transfer to move closer to my mother-in-law while up for promotion and won.

When laid off during the 911 crisis two years later, I started a business, to finally stay home and make more time for my kids and husband at age 25.

I was racing through life then, as I had been since birth. Running towards the kind of stability I had yearned for in my adolescence. In my determination to carry out this goal, I was constantly aware of the stark contrast of what people perceived my life might be upon first glance. I could in some contexts pass as living two lives. So I become comfortable in the grays. Wearing masks, watering myself down, to make others feel comfortable and allowing myself to escape.

Now that my children are preteens, my time is more my own and I my focus on one person. One brand, as I like to refer to myself. No more juxtapositions and no more rushing.

In today’s world you can and should only be yourself, the exposure probability is much greater and being a liar is worse than pretty much anything. People trust honesty. Honesty trumps flaws. And trust is a valuable commodity.

The foundation has been laid and the walls are up on my stability; I’m enjoying the view.